The end

I've been very bad at usinig this blog how I originally intended to: to tell my story. I guess somewhere along the way, I decided that maybe my story isn't worth telling on an anonymous blog. I want my story to be my story. I want to help people through my experiences. So I think I'm leaving this blog behind. I haven't decided yet.

Just for Fun

Oh, and just for fun, my friend sent this to me on Facebook yesterday. I got a kick out of it; it's so true. If only they made one that said "Careful, you may end up on my blog."

Just Stand Up

So there I was: Sitting in my car, just thinking about my day, when the greatest song I've heard in awhile came on the radio. It's called "Just Stand Up" and it's by Miley Cyrus, Rhiana, Beyonce, Fergie, and a host of other pop stars. It was written for the fight against cancer, but the lyrics can really be applied to any struggle. And I found them very applicable to mine. Especially this:
If the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough

But the heart keeps telling you don’t give up

Who are we to be

questioning, wondering what is what

Don’t give up

THROUGH IT ALL, JUST STAND UP!


It got me thinking. Who am I to be questioning what I'm going through? Who am I to question whether it's fair for my dad to be dying and for me to be bipolar? Why should I not just be strong, not give up, and stand up to it all. I can't change what is happening to me, but I can change how I am dealing with it (to a certain degree.) And so now I'm going to try to not give up; hard as that may be. I need to try harder. I need to be stronger. I need to stand on my own two feet and just deal. I know it's not going to be easy, I know I'll fail every now and again, but I need to snap out of this depression. I can't let this disorder control my life... my mind is still strong, and I am going to prove it to myself.

Just Stand Up Lyrics

Feeling...

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I've Gotta Find You

So there I was: at the beginning of the end of my perfect life. I was days away from graduating early with honors, was knee deep in wedding plans, and was feeling more scared and alone that I ever have in my life. And that's when I started to lose myself. I graduating, I bought a house, and I was getting married. I had rocked the LSAT and could have gotten in to any law school I wanted; my teachers were begging me to consider grad school; and I was ready to throw it all away for the "next step" in life. For marriage.

I don't know what I was thinking, but it was clearly a mistake. That was the day I lost myself. One by one I watched the things that made me me fall away and be dulled out of my new "life" in "the real world." I watched silently as I became surrounded with people who didn't understand me, my motivation, my intelligence; my drive. Slowly, every little part of me was suppressed and erased. And now I want it back. But I feel like it's too late. I'm lost now. How do I find myself again?

So There I was: An Introduction

So there I was: Spreading vending machine tuna out of a cold can onto a mini-sized vending machine cracker, wondering why the hell my life is what it is. And I couldn’t help but ask myself is this what rock bottom looks like? The office socialite, normally pretty, social, and outgoing, sitting alone in her cube, not wearing any makeup for the first time in public, eating vending machine tuna? If it’s not, it truly can’t be far from it.

When, exactly did my life become hell? Was is a gradual progression, or did it happen suddenly and recently? It’s hard to tell. But the story is, in the very least, highly entertaining. I’m living one of those lives that at times you think surely must be a sit com, but unfortunately for me, I can’t just “change the channel” or watch something else when it becomes a little to much to handle. And lately, my life has been VERY hard to handle.

Let me fill you in on what you’ve missed so you can catch up. We’ll start with the basics:
• I’m female.
• I’m one of the smartest people you will ever meet. Or so I’ve been told.
• I’m in my early twenties.
• I’m very pretty. I’ve dabbled in modeling ever since I was young.
• If I hadn’t have graduated Magna Cum Laude a year and a half early, I would have just graduated and would be job hunting. But I did.
• And so I’ve been a cube rat for a little over a year, editing things for an information technology company. Not being payed nearly enough, and hating every minute (and pretty much every person) of it.
• I can be a real bitch if you cross me.
• I can also be the nicest person in the world.
• I’m bipolar. This was a recent development.
• I’m divorced. Also recent.
• I’m sarcastic and can be dramatic at times. It’s part of my charm.
• I have a cat. She’s my baby. I wouldn’t make it through life without her.
• I have a “boyfriend” (one of several) who is more than twice my age and used to be a professor of mine. I can’t even tell you how many times I fantasized about the man; and now I have him.
• I’m a shopaholic.
• I love to read and to write.
• I’m very motivated and determined.
• Art is one of my true passions.
• The person I love most in this world, my father, is quickly dying from cancer that caused three brain tumors and a tumor in his spine. We found all of this out last week.
• I have an older sister, who is married and expecting a baby in January.
• I have a mom who I love, but she’s very hyper-emotional, and sometimes she’s just too much for me.
• My favorite authors are Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf.
• My favorite books are Mania and Girl, Interrupted. If I wouldn’t know any better, I would have thought half of that book were based on my life and my experiences rather than Susanna Kacen’s.
• My current favorite movies are Fight Club and Girl, Interrupted. You may be picking up on a theme here.

That just about sums me up. Those are all of the “important” facts, anyway. But even more important than those are all of the events that lead to where I am right now. So, read on. Each event is a separate entry, starting with the earliest and working up to the most recent. Some are entries from my private journal, others are from the vivid images and memories that I can’t get out of my mind. Hopefully they are all worth reading. I’ll let you be the judge of that.